Daisies

Part 1

I wake up every day wondering if I’ll ever be remotely happy. Wondering and hoping that the day will pass by quickly just as fast as it came. Waiting for a sleep that seems to escape me every night and is too far to grasp. I am 31. I survived and I fought to be alive. What happened is not who I am. But it gets harder to deal with. The memories that stick and stay in the back of my mind. Popping up in the form of anxiety and depression from time to time. My fight or flight response not really working as it should. I know I need help. I know I am broken and yet… the more I put these pieces of myself together it’s not enough and I don’t feel enough. I tried to heal someone while they broke and took advantage of my kindness. The wrong man that I thought I was in love with was the one who hurt me the most. When getting drunk and being taken advantage of was thought to be normal because “we were a couple.” Yet I remember telling him no and to stop. I was young and naive. So I let it go. The constant fights, the abuse. Not only was it mental abuse it was physical and I constantly had his back.

It all started with receiving a phone call while I was talking to my best friend jenny. We have known each other since we were about 2 years old and officially became best friends in middle school. My mother and her mom used to be or are still friends as well. She knew everything. She knows everything.

It was 2009 and I was on my bed just talking with Jenny about who knows what. And then I got this phone call and I answered. “Hello?” Thinking it was someone I knew because it was an unknown number. No answer. “Hello?!” Nothing. So I hung up.

So I text the random number thinking it could be one of my friends doing a prank on me. Jenny thought it to be hilarious and we talked about how it could possibly be some old guy, but it wasn’t.

He finally texted back saying “sorry I dialed the wrong number. I just want to say that you have a gorgeous voice.” Apparently he was trying to get a hold of his connect. I thought for sure it’s an old man. So I entertained it for a while because of boredom and me and Jenny thought it hilarious. Until I found myself texting him every day. We would talk every day for hours about anything and everything. We were both so excited to meet one day. We would send each other pictures to make sure we’re not a catfish.

You would think this a cute story by the way we had met. It was. Could’ve been fate that brought us together.

We spoke for about a month in January and I had let him know that I had to leave for Sacramento for a conference for school. I stayed in Sacramento for about a week. Which I loved. I was a part of HOSA. Which stands for Health Occupations for Students of America. It was such a fun time. I was able to advocate for students that weren’t able to afford an education, speak about our own health and how doctors and nurses work together to come up with diagnosis, lead my group into winning our first trophy. He asked me to be his girlfriend by phone as I was getting ready for bed. I said yes.

When I came back home from the conference I was so excited. Everything was going great! My teacher was proud and I got a boyfriend. I was so happy, at least I thought I was. I talked to him about the drama that had happened in Sacramento and he was so supportive.

Come March 18, I was doing my internship as a medical assistant at Meridian Urgent Care. He came to visit me. To meet me for the first time. I had butterflies and anxiety because my parents were on their way to pick me up. He came to my office and asked for me. We finally met. He wasn’t all that handsome but he was definitely attractive to me. From great conversations to a great connection to an amazing first kiss. I was ecstatic. God, this is so cringy. I remember being so embarrassed and shy that my coworkers had to convince me to go outside to meet him. I thought he was cute. I finally went outside and well it went perfect. He was shy and so was I. We talked for about five minutes and then he pulled me in to kiss me. Having butterflies and feeling hot. He was mine and I was his. After finally meeting we started to hang out more and more every week. Mind you, I was a virgin. He was shocked that I was 18 and a virgin but I guess that’s a goo thing? I don’t know. But I did end up losing it to him a month later out of anger towards my dad. It wasn’t out of love. It was out of spite. So to this day I do regret that. He did not deserve that piece of me. Well anyways. As I started coming by more and more I met his entire family. Tony has a lot of sisters and about three brothers. They all welcomed me. Maybe I should have seen this as a red flag but we would always hang out but he would always leave me in his room while he hung out with his older brother and cousins outside. I didn’t think anything of it.